Hey Leader,
This summer, I was at a conference chatting with a man I’d just met.
Within the first two minutes, he asked, “So… do you have kids?” as casually as asking where I’m from.
I said no.
And then he kept going, deeper and more personal with every question.
Why not? Were we trying? Did we want them? Was something wrong?
TJ, my husband, was standing right there, and somehow I still found myself explaining that it would technically be harder for us to have kids.
That part is true, and it’s also absolutely none of his business.
But in that moment, I wasn’t just answering a question; I was trying to make my life easier for him to accept.
Underneath the shock, what really hit me was the invasiveness, the way he assumed access to my life, my body, and my decisions, and the quiet story underneath it:
If you don’t have kids, there must be something wrong with you. And if there’s nothing “wrong,” you owe people a good reason.
Kids are wonderful. Full stop.
AND not having kids doesn’t make you incomplete.
Childless and childfree women know this script by heart, the way a simple question can turn into an audit of your worth or your choices.
At work, it often shows up as extra weight:
Over-explaining perfectly normal choices so no one judges you
Asking for “permission” to leave at a reasonable hour
Shrinking so you don’t get labeled “difficult”
Being treated as “more available”
Carrying the non-promotable tasks no one else wants (and men rarely get)
Research backs this up: women spend up to 200 more hours a year on non-promotable work than men, basically an extra month of invisible labor.
And it’s not just about kids.
One of my clients, a senior director who’s trusted with every challenging project because she’s known for getting sh*t done, thought she needed permission from her boss to leave at 5:00 pm.
Not because anyone told her she couldn’t leave at 5, but because she’d internalized the idea that wanting a life outside of work needed a defensible explanation, something that sounded "acceptable" enough to avoid judgment.
You don’t have to apologize for who you are, the choices you make, or how you show up.
If this hit a nerve and you’re rethinking a moment you’ve over-explained or justified your choices, reply ‘Yes’ and tell me what you want to stop apologizing for.
Lead boldly, live fully, & don’t forget to breathe.
In your corner,
Scroll-Stoppers
This week’s most valuable scroll-worthy stuff, from tools to truth bombs!
How shrinking male social networks create more emotional labor for women. Research calls this “mankeeping”, the emotional load women absorb because others don’t.
The emotional labor tax women carry at work. A clear breakdown of the invisible work women absorb that often goes unnoticed and uncredited.
How women in leadership shape the way they’re perceived. A recent HBR piece on how women leaders can influence how others see them and navigate bias in real time.
Try This Today
Tiny experiments to help you stop over-explaining and lead from your actual seat.
Stop giving a thesis with your “no.”
The next time you decline a request (especially for low-visibility, high-effort work), try one clean sentence instead of a long explanation.
Name one thing you’re done justifying.
It might be not having kids, leaving at 5, not checking Slack at night, or saying no to the office holiday committee. Write it down. That’s your line in the sand this week.
Hand back emotional labor.
When someone tries to pull you into emotional triage (“Can you smooth this over?” “Can you check on the team?”), redirect it back to the person responsible instead of absorbing it.
Stop owning invisible work alone.
Make a quick list of the tasks you do that don’t show up in performance reviews: planning events, taking notes, and emotional glue for the team. Circle one you’re going to delegate, rotate, or stop owning alone.
Mini Interview
Interviews I recorded with women leaders at CultureCon who are redefining what leadership can feel like.
Bridgette McCullough,
Director of Employee Experience at Cityblock Health
Q: What’s one thing you wish more women in leadership knew?
Constantly feeling depleted isn’t a requirement for success.
Q: What actually helps you protect your energy as a leader and a parent?
Daily walks or bike rides
Mornings protected for strategy
Building real friendships at work
Calendar blocks two weeks out with multiple 2‑hour focus chunks
Making doctor appointments, walks, and school visits public on her calendar
Declining anything after 4pm to have space before switching into mom mode
Bridgette leads with intention, not depletion.
Her boundaries don’t just support her life; they give her team permission to build lives outside of work, too.
Your Power Reframe
Because what you believe shapes how you live & lead.
This Sparked Something
Little joys, leadership sparks, & random things we’re loving this week!
Joy move of the week: I started a “26 Before 2026” list, a mix of memory‑making moments, things I’ve been putting off (looking at you, full‑house purge), and a few my future self will thank me for. Early highlight: testing recipes for a family cookbook instead of just eyeballing everything like chaos 😂
~ AlliCurrently on repeat: Been listening to the same three Christmas songs while getting ready in the morning, including Last Christmas, I am so ready for the holidays, lol. ~ Pau
Unexpected joy: TJ and I are super competitive, so my parents gave us a cooperative board game called Hotshots a few years ago. We played it in front of the fireplace and the Christmas tree this week, and it was so delightful. ~ Alli